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Post by Pam on Jun 15, 2007 10:42:16 GMT 1
On most web forums there is a tradition for a cultural interlude on Fridays. This is commonly known as the 'Friday Joke' or 'Friday Funny'. So here is our own thread for the same purpose.
My contribution for this week -
Chap from Glasgow visits his Doctor. He says "Doc, ma skin's gone broon and I smell like a coconut. I feel verra odd."
And the Doc says "Aye, ye're bounty"
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Ness
Junior Member
Outside a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read!
Posts: 96
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Post by Ness on Jun 15, 2007 13:49:36 GMT 1
;D Too much time with Toby, I say!
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Paul
Junior Member
Yay !!!
Posts: 75
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Post by Paul on Jun 15, 2007 17:00:20 GMT 1
And I'll play the game.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans. 3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans. 4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
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Post by Pam on Aug 13, 2007 13:18:31 GMT 1
I know it isn't Friday but anyway... You know you are driving too fast when.......
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Post by Pam on Oct 5, 2007 12:25:05 GMT 1
The Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet"
"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee".
So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
"Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. "Eees a bacon tree".
"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget"
"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".
And with that ....Luis Races towards the tree. he gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but. true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
"Pepe...go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree"
"Luis Luis mi amigo...what ees it?
"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree..
Ees Ees Ees Ees Eees a Ham Bush
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Post by Pam on Oct 5, 2007 12:29:44 GMT 1
Message from Osama...
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still live," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of Coded message:
370H-55V-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice. Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to MI6 and Mossad.
Eventually they asked Australian Intelligence (ASIO) for help.
Within a minute ASIO emailed the White House with this reply: "Tell the President, he's holding the message upside down."
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Post by Pam on Oct 5, 2007 12:35:13 GMT 1
.....and the last instalment from me this Friday....
Classes for Men
at the York Adult Learning Centre
Registration must be completed by 19Th October '07
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM .
Class 1 How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2 The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3 Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4 Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Basket and The Floor -- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5 Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM
Class 6 Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7 Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum . Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours
Class 8 Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9 Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined
Class 10 Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11 Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and role-playing Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined < /FONT>
Class 12 How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13 How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries & Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14 The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
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Clive
Junior Member
Is it a Roman Duck, Mister?
Posts: 63
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Post by Clive on Oct 5, 2007 22:17:03 GMT 1
We are always expected to give 100%, but to really get on we need to be giving 100%+. But how can we give more than we have got? After extensive research, funded by the National Lottery, a group of academics have come with the following: If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 Then we can see that H A R D W O R K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%, and K N O W L E D G E 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%. But, A T T I T U D E 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100% and B U L L S H I T 2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%.
So it stands to reason that Hardwork and Knowledge will get you close, Attitude will get you there, but it’s Bullnuts that really counts if you want to give that bit extra.
Of course, for the real movers that want to reach above the rest it appears that there is only one way: A S S K I S S I N G 1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%
;D
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P-Dawg
Junior Member
Posts: 73
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Post by P-Dawg on Oct 21, 2007 17:22:49 GMT 1
I know it's not Friday but I heard this joke last week and, when it came to this Friday, I forgot to post it and I can't be bothered to wait for next Friday... etc etc
Q. What did you do before alcohol came into your life?
A. Homework
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keiths
Junior Member
Posts: 57
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Post by keiths on Oct 25, 2007 21:35:05 GMT 1
There is a new type of super adhesive developed in Yorkshire, however it can only be bought via an interenet auction, yes it's E-Bay Gum! AND There's also a new drug available in Leeds that can only be administered with an oral injection, its called E by Gum!! Boom Boom ;D ALSO (queue X-Files music) For you peppermint lovers; Robert Mugabe backwords spells E Ba Gum Trebor, strange but true
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P-Dawg
Junior Member
Posts: 73
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Post by P-Dawg on Oct 26, 2007 15:02:08 GMT 1
Ah yes, but: Y lime?
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kateb
New Member
Posts: 26
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Post by kateb on Mar 4, 2008 19:48:44 GMT 1
What is pink and hard?
A pig with a flick knife
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P-Dawg
Junior Member
Posts: 73
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Post by P-Dawg on Mar 21, 2008 15:33:40 GMT 1
Why are there no sheep in the jungle?
Because the elephants use them as tampons.
Why do elephants have such long trunks?
Well have you ever seen a sheep with a string tied around its neck?!
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P-Dawg
Junior Member
Posts: 73
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Post by P-Dawg on Mar 21, 2008 15:34:50 GMT 1
What's brown, smelly and sits on a piano stool?
Beethoven's last movement.
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Clive
Junior Member
Is it a Roman Duck, Mister?
Posts: 63
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Post by Clive on Jun 5, 2008 23:44:14 GMT 1
A little boy goes to his father and asks, 'What is Politics and why is that Gordon Brown on the television again?' Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.' The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.' The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep nuts.'
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